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BVS: Bachelor Vs. Squid

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I’ve been chomping at the bit for some time now in anticipation over what will no doubt be yet another mind-numbing Sci-Fi Channel original movie based solely on its premise.

“Thirty years ago, Ray Reiter watched in horror as a giant squid attacked and killed his parents. The creature escaped, but not before young Ray destroyed one of its eyes. When the one-eyed beast re-emerges, attacking a crew of a treasure hunting expedition, Ray joins the team, in hopes of exacting his revenge.”

The first time I came across the plotline for this Sci-Fi Channel commissioned giant squid flick it damn near caused my brain to explode Scanners-style. Why do I consider this the most far-fetched premise of all time? Well, let’s count down the all the hard to swallow concepts this plot is based around.

1) It involves the ever elusive giant squid that up until a few months ago had never even been caught on tape.

2) This guy managed to survive an encounter with a giant squid that killed his parents by popping one its eyes.

3) All these years later and this guy again encounters a giant squid.

4) This guy knows this giant squid is the one from his youth because he put out one of its eyes.

4) This one-eyed squid just happens to still be alive about, what, 20-years later?

That’s all a bit much if you ask me. I’m wondering if the producers realized that was a bit much and re-wrote the script or if the Sci-Fi Channel realized how ludicrous that logline sounded and instead came up with one that made the film sound more like your typical Sci-Fi Channel crappola.

“A marine archeologist and a sailor search for a priceless ancient treasure, only to be hunted by a giant squid that seems to be protecting it, and a ruthless rival who wants the artifact for himself.”

Still sounds preposterous but in more of a run-of-the-mill creature feature sort of way.

This movie, which stars Charlie O’Connell (he of leeching off his brother Jerry’s career and then looking for love on last year’s addition of ABC’s “The Bachelor”) as the squid eye-poking-out sailor, “Mutant X” and “Cleopatra 2525” babe Victoria Pratt as the marine archeologist and no doubt love interest for squid boy, and veteran journeyman actor, most recently of “All My Children” fame, Jack Scalia as the unscrupulous rival who most certainly becomes squid food during the last 10-minutes of the movie.

The movie was originally entitled Deadly Water. That may or may not be the single more generically awful creature feature title I’ve ever heard. I knew the Sci-Fi Channel would change this. They did, but what I was not aware of was that they made a contest out of it. During the month of July, SciFi.com had a contest where people could submit suggestions for what to call the movie with the winner getting the pride of knowing that they named a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Amongst the rejected nominations included Killimari, Tentacles Eight: Humans Two, The Squid Stays in the Picture, Stop or My Squid Will Shoot, and Two Guys, A Girl, & a Giant Squid. But in the end a title emerged and Deadly Water has been officially renamed: Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep.

So, uh, the Sci-Fi Channel actually needed a viewer out there to come up with that? Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep sounds exactly like the sort of title they could have come up with on their own. Hell, it’s got a colon in it and everything.

Me, I’m still kicking myself for not being aware that this contest going on. Come on; naming a Sci-Fi Channel giant squid movie – that’s right up my alley. So allow me to list a few of my own title suggestions that I would was submitted if I had even known about this movie-naming contest.

BVS: BACHELOR VS. SQUID

THE BEAST 2: THE KRAKENING

THE BIG SQUIDOWSKI

SQUIDZILLA: KING OF THE HYDRA

NEMO’S NIGHTMARE: GIANT SQUID TERROR

JUST ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT SUCKFEST

RISE OF THE ONE-EYED MONSTER

Oh well, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep it is. Sci-Fi Channel will unleash the Kraken on Saturday night, September 23rd at 9/8 Central with the usual replay four hours later. Operating the tentacles of this Kraken is Tibor Takacs, who previously made the magnificent Mansquito. Then he turned around and made the miserable Black Hole. How this one will stack up remains to be seen. I wouldn’t keep my tentacles crossed if I was you though.

The Foywonder

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Go Christmas Caroling with The Killing of a Sacred Deer

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Given that I personally have gone Christmas caroling with various lunatics hopped up on eggnog, what the hell… why not go Christmas caroling with The Killing of a Sacred Deer? Dig on this latest clip!

Look for the flick starring Colin Farrell (Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy, In Bruges, 2009) and co-starring Oscar winner Nicole Kidman (Best Actress, The Hours, 2003) to hit Blu-ray, DVD, and digital on January 23rd. Yorgos Lanthimos directs.

Special features include “An Impossible Conundrum” featurette, and the package will be priced at $24.99 and $19.98, respectively.

Synopsis:
Dr. Steven Murphy (Farrell) is a renowned cardiovascular surgeon presiding over a spotless household with his ophthalmologist wife, Anna (Kidman), and their two exemplary children, 12-year-old Bob (Sunny Suljic) and 14-year-old Kim (Raffey Cassidy). Lurking at the margins of Steven’s idyllic suburban existence is Martin (Barry Keoghan), a fatherless teen he has covertly taken under his wing.

As Martin begins insinuating himself into the family’s life in ever-more unsettling displays, the full scope of his intent becomes menacingly clear when he confronts Steven with a long-forgotten transgression that will shatter the Murphy family’s domestic bliss.

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Which Monsters May Be Making Their TV Debut in Junji Ito Collection?

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Studio Deen’s highly-anticipated anime anthology Junji Ito Collection has been building buzz, especially since its new teaser dropped weeks ago. Eagle-eyed fans who are well-acquainted with horror mangaka Junji Ito’s body of work will spot some familiar faces in the new trailer, brought to the small screen by showrunner Shinobu Tagashira.

So, who among Ito’s famous menagerie of monsters may be making an appearance in the show when it airs next year?

Oshikiri Toru

Oshikiri is the morally-questionable highschooler who begins to question his perception of reality in Hallucinations, a series of some loosely connected one-shots. Oshikiri’s a little on the short side, with an even shorter fuse. One thing he’s not short on is moneyas evidenced by his impressive, albeit creepy, mansion. We’ve yet to see which of his adventureswhich range from murder to parallel dimensionswill be his television debut.

Yuuko

The once-chatty Yuuko falls ill and sees her worst fears come to pass in Slug Girl, the famous one-shot whose brand of body horror is sure to feel like a distant cousin (or maybe a predecessor?) to Uzumaki‘s “The Snail” chapter. It offers little in the way of answers but is best enjoyed in all its bizarre glory.

The Intersection Bishounen

In Lovesick Dead, one of Ito’s longer standalone stories, an urban legend causes a rash of suicides when young girls begin to call upon a mysterious, black-clad spirit called the Intersection Bishounen. The custom catches on quickly among teenagers, out late and eager for him to tell them their fortune in life and love, since his advice is to die for. Literally.

Souichi Tsujii

A long-running recurring character in Ito’s manga (probably second only to Tomie herself), you’ll know Souichi by the nails he sucks on or sticks out of his moutha strange habit borne out of an iron deficiency. He’s an impish kid whose fascination with the supernatural makes him the odd man out in an otherwise normal family. The morbid pranks he likes to playfunny only to him—don’t do much to endear him to his peers or relatives, either.

Fuchi

The titular character in Fashion Model, Fuchi works as a professional model for her, shall we say, unique look and Amazonian stature. When she and another actress are hired by a crew of indie filmmakers, Fuchi shows them that she doesn’t like sharing the limelight. She also makes a cameo in a couple of Souichi’s stories, and in them he finds her genuinely attractive. Beauty, after all, is in the eye of the beholder.

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Nemo Rising Signing Happening at Dark Delicacies on December 23

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Author C. Courtney Joyner will be signing copies of his new book Nemo Rising at Burkank’s Dark Delicacies horror store on Saturday, December 23 at 4pm. You can get the full details of the event and directions on Dark Delicacies’ website.

Nemo Rising will be a sequel to Jules Verne’s 1870 masterpiece Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, and will see President Ulysses S. Grant recruiting the notorious Captain Nemo to destroy a gigantic sea monster which has been responsible for sinking ships. The gigantic eight-tentacled mollusc can be seen on the book’s cover below, and it looks like Nemo will have his work cut out for him.

Joyner also worked on the screenplays for the Full Moon films Doctor Mordrid and Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys, whilst his previous books include Hell Comes To Hollywood and the Shotgun series. If you can’t make it to the signing, Nemo Rising will be released in the US on December 26, and in the UK on January 13.

Nemo Rising Dark Delicacies Signing Details:
​Nemo Rising will be released on hardcover from Tor Books on December 26th, 2017.

JUST ANNOUNCED: On December 23rd at 4:00 PM, C. Courtney Joyner will sign copies of NEMO RISING at Dark Delicacies in Burbank, California!

C. COURTNEY JOYNER is an award-winning writer of fiction, comics, and screenplays. He has more than 25 movies to his credit, including the cult films Prison, starring Viggo Mortensen; From a Whisper to a Scream, starring Vincent Price; and Class of 1999, directed by Mark Lester. A graduate of USC, Joyner’s first produced screenplay was The Offspring, which also starred Vincent Price. Joyner’s other scripts have included TV movies for CBS, USA, and Showtime. He is the author of The Shotgun western series and Nemo Rising.

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