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BVS: Bachelor Vs. Squid

I’ve been chomping at the bit for some time now in anticipation over what will no doubt be yet another mind-numbing Sci-Fi Channel original movie based solely on its premise.

“Thirty years ago, Ray Reiter watched in horror as a giant squid attacked and killed his parents. The creature escaped, but not before young Ray destroyed one of its eyes. When the one-eyed beast re-emerges, attacking a crew of a treasure hunting expedition, Ray joins the team, in hopes of exacting his revenge.”

The first time I came across the plotline for this Sci-Fi Channel commissioned giant squid flick it damn near caused my brain to explode Scanners-style. Why do I consider this the most far-fetched premise of all time? Well, let’s count down the all the hard to swallow concepts this plot is based around.

1) It involves the ever elusive giant squid that up until a few months ago had never even been caught on tape.

2) This guy managed to survive an encounter with a giant squid that killed his parents by popping one its eyes.

3) All these years later and this guy again encounters a giant squid.

4) This guy knows this giant squid is the one from his youth because he put out one of its eyes.

4) This one-eyed squid just happens to still be alive about, what, 20-years later?

That’s all a bit much if you ask me. I’m wondering if the producers realized that was a bit much and re-wrote the script or if the Sci-Fi Channel realized how ludicrous that logline sounded and instead came up with one that made the film sound more like your typical Sci-Fi Channel crappola.

“A marine archeologist and a sailor search for a priceless ancient treasure, only to be hunted by a giant squid that seems to be protecting it, and a ruthless rival who wants the artifact for himself.”

Still sounds preposterous but in more of a run-of-the-mill creature feature sort of way.

This movie, which stars Charlie O’Connell (he of leeching off his brother Jerry’s career and then looking for love on last year’s addition of ABC’s “The Bachelor”) as the squid eye-poking-out sailor, “Mutant X” and “Cleopatra 2525″ babe Victoria Pratt as the marine archeologist and no doubt love interest for squid boy, and veteran journeyman actor, most recently of “All My Children” fame, Jack Scalia as the unscrupulous rival who most certainly becomes squid food during the last 10-minutes of the movie.

The movie was originally entitled Deadly Water. That may or may not be the single more generically awful creature feature title I’ve ever heard. I knew the Sci-Fi Channel would change this. They did, but what I was not aware of was that they made a contest out of it. During the month of July, SciFi.com had a contest where people could submit suggestions for what to call the movie with the winner getting the pride of knowing that they named a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Amongst the rejected nominations included Killimari, Tentacles Eight: Humans Two, The Squid Stays in the Picture, Stop or My Squid Will Shoot, and Two Guys, A Girl, & a Giant Squid. But in the end a title emerged and Deadly Water has been officially renamed: Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep.

So, uh, the Sci-Fi Channel actually needed a viewer out there to come up with that? Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep sounds exactly like the sort of title they could have come up with on their own. Hell, it’s got a colon in it and everything.

Me, I’m still kicking myself for not being aware that this contest going on. Come on; naming a Sci-Fi Channel giant squid movie – that’s right up my alley. So allow me to list a few of my own title suggestions that I would was submitted if I had even known about this movie-naming contest.

BVS: BACHELOR VS. SQUID

THE BEAST 2: THE KRAKENING

THE BIG SQUIDOWSKI

SQUIDZILLA: KING OF THE HYDRA

NEMO’S NIGHTMARE: GIANT SQUID TERROR

JUST ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT SUCKFEST

RISE OF THE ONE-EYED MONSTER

Oh well, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep it is. Sci-Fi Channel will unleash the Kraken on Saturday night, September 23rd at 9/8 Central with the usual replay four hours later. Operating the tentacles of this Kraken is Tibor Takacs, who previously made the magnificent Mansquito. Then he turned around and made the miserable Black Hole. How this one will stack up remains to be seen. I wouldn’t keep my tentacles crossed if I was you though.

The Foywonder

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Jon Condit