Ten Rooms You See in Every Single Haunted House
Ted Hentschke
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Ah, October. The one month of the year where I can pay grown men to throw on masks and scream at me without having to keep it a secret. If you’re like me and years of calcification has slowly turned your heart into a gray nub, then you relish any opportunity to pump a little bit of feeling into your soul with startles and spooks. For me, movies are great, video games even better, but nothing quite does it like the time honored tradition of the haunted house. From amateur neighborhood productions to full blown event destinations, these houses of horror are the highlight of my holiday season.
As this is Dread Central, I’m going to assume that you all are likewise familiar with at least a few dozen haunted houses. I personally must have seen at least fifty different ones at this point. As much as I love them, you can’t help but notice that some ideas… carry over. So without further ado, here are Ten Rooms You See in Every Single Haunted Fucking House!
1) The Seven Deadly Sins Room
I’ll start with an easy one. As constant as the tides and certain as death and taxes, somewhere in your haunted house the seven deadly sins will be painted on the wall. Mostly likely in blood. Because nothing says horror like being reminded that everything I want to do is a one-way ticket to hell. Bonus points for screaming demon girls.
2) Blood Bathroom/The Shower of Slaughter
Public showers are some scary shit. Straight up. Generally populated by ironically dirty females, these will often be paired with flashing strobe lights. In some cases, substitute for an extra dirty bathroom. Bonus points for decrepit stall doors and rusty lockers.
3) Satanic Church
Be it a black mass, wicked wedding, or macabre memorial service, there will be at least one room dedicated to serving as a satanic church. Two things to expect from this room. 1) It will be lit entirely in red and 2) One of the dudes on the bench is guaranteed to jump out at you. Bonus points if the spooky skeleton in the coffin also jumps out.
4) The Closet of Claustrophobia
Don’t be fooled. This closet isn’t just another hidey-hole for specters to lurk in. It’s your passageway to a whole new room. One filled with shorts, coats, bathrobes, and at least two monsters waiting to grab you. It’s like a game of seven minutes in heaven mixed with Poltergeist. Bonus points for wedding dresses and oversized underwear.
5) Some Lady Just Cutting Into a Dude
Maybe it’s an evil nurse. Maybe it’s a demented schoolgirl. Maybe it’s a strangely sexy clown. Or maybe it’s a regular looking lunch lady. It can take place in a morgue, a kitchen, a dining room, a school, wherever… No matter where, there will be one room with some lady just going all ham on a dude’s exposed rib cage. He might squirm around but she will ignore everything that happens around her. She’s got laser focus on scooping out these innards. Bonus points if he gets up after and starts chasing you.
6) The Room Designed Exclusively to Give Me a Seizure
Straight up, I don’t even have epilepsy and I can already feel my tongue sliding down my throat. You can’t tell by this picture, but that light at the end of the hall is a strobe light. Couple with creepy crawling demon girls for maximum chance of unwanted muscle contractions. This frequently also overlaps with the Shower of Slaughter. Bonus points if you have to be carried out of the attraction.
7) Mutant Hillbilly Cabin
Can be substituted for carnies, truckers, or some other economically destitute, but still somehow kosher to make fun of, class. Some guy will run up behind you and make lewd advances while sniffing your neck. Bonus points if you’ve got a “purdy mouth.”
8) Ghost Bus
A personal favorite of mine, this one has grown in popularity in recent years. There’s just so much you can do with it! Ghosts can slam on the windows. Zombies can crawl out from under it. Honking horns can give people a jump. Put some monsters in the seats and make people walk through it. It’s a spooky goldmine! Bonus points if you actually get in it and they pretend drive you to your death like it’s Thelma & Louise.
9) The “Bulk Clearance Sale at Wherever We Get Our Supplies” Room
The haunted house equivalent of walking into the barber and saying, “Just fuck my shit up!” As you can see here, some place was having a fire sale on crutches. I’ve seen all kinds of these. Sometimes it’s stuffed animals. Maybe it’s bike horns. One time I saw one that was all just old DVDs stapled to the wall. Bonus points if there’s a dude covered in whatever’s on the walls trying to blend in and scare you.
10) The Room that Kinda Sucks
Get out of here with your weak ass skeletons. Bonus points if poorly lit.
Honorable Mention: Chainsaw Clown
In my opinion, you shouldn’t even be allowed to call yourself a haunted house if you don’t have a chainsaw clown. The multicolor sparkler that turns turns into Mickey Mouse at the end of the fireworks show, this dude is the finale of any respectable horror attraction. Bonus points if also Santa, and double bonus points if the guy looks like he genuinely has experience in clown/Santa/chainsaw murders.
And there you have it, Ten Rooms You See in Every Single Haunted Fucking House! Special thanks to Escape: Psycho Circus and The Crypt for providing me with photos for this delightful bit of comedy. But what do you all think? Any staples and icons of the haunted house scene I missed? Let me know below!
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