Director’s Cut in the Dark

You mean Boll didn't make it right the first time?!Uwe Boll’s Postal (review) just garned a perfect 5-knife review from Dread Central’s very own Nomad. Does this mean that Dr. Boll’s Ed Wood-ian career is about to take a turn for the better? Perhaps. But Boll would still like to remind you of the good ol’ days when he was revered as the modern master of bad cinema. How else can one explain Lionsgate releasing a director’s cut of Alone in the Dark (review)?

Yes, a director’s cut of Alone in the Dark … I’m not joking. DavisDVD is reporting it will hit shelves on September 25th. Is there really a market out there clamoring for such a DVD? I can’t imagine even the most hardcore Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff fans picking this one up.

So what does an Alone in the Dark: Unrated Director’s Cut entail? How does a whopping three whole additional minutes of new footage sound? Somehow I just don’t believe these three extra minutes worked back into the film are going to help the movie suddenly make any lick of sense. Personally, I’m hoping it’s three extra minutes of crawling text at the beginning of the film.

In addition, the disc will also feature an all-new audio commentary by Uwe Boll. I can’t imagine what he could say in this commentary that he didn’t say in the previous one, except maybe to get drunk and give his own movie the MST3K treatment or perform 90-minutes worth of “Tara Reid is so drunk and stupid” jokes.

There’ll also be deleted scenes and music videos. The movie will be an anamorphic widescreen transfer presented in Dolby Digital 5.1 audio tracks.

Oh, and much like the Bloodrayne DVD (review), you’ll also get an Alone in the Dark video game thrown in for extra incentive. I suppose that might make it worth shelling out $19.98 for a special edition DVD to a movie widely acclaimed as one of the worst in recent memory. Or not.

And in case you haven’t heard, Alone in the Dark 2 is in the works. Read it and weep.

The Foywonder

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Jon Condit

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