Hyperbolic Review: Ghostbusters (2016)

GhostbustersStarring Women!

Directed by Some Obviously Pussy-Whipped Guy!

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In a world in which the quality of your film depends on the amount of jumpsuit-sheathed testicles you have on-screen at any given moment, comes AN ESTROGEN-FUELED REMAKE THAT SMEARS SMEGMA ALL OVER OUR CHILDHOOD!

Sony has DELIVERED an all-female version of Ghostbusters that represents EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN THE WORLD since Eve gave Adam an apple in the then Garden of Unbridled Masculinity!

FOUR WOMEN! FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE! Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT! THIS TYPE OF BUSTING DOES NOT MAKE US FEEL GOOD! IT’S A TESTOSTERONE-DILUTING, MANIC, NUT-BUSTING CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY’S MANSAC OF EDUCATED BRILLIANCE!

Ghostbusters takes ALL OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS MOVIE MEMORIES AND VIOLENTLY ERADICATES THEM IN A CINEMATIC FATAL FOUR-WAY IN WHICH ANYONE WITH A PENIS FINDS HIS SPUNK-PUMP ON THE RECEIVING END OF BEING EVISCERATED DURING A STERN BEATDOWN OF BREAST-BATTERING BLUDGEONING.

Wiig, McCarthy, McKinnon, and Jones DO EVERYTHING TO PISS ON OUR BRO PARADE SHORT OF DETACHING THEIR MAMMILLA, BITING OFF THEIR ACIDIC AREOLAS, AND HURLING THEM GRENADE-STYLE INTO OUR LAPS WITH ALL THE VIGOR OF AN OVERLY PATRIOTIC GENERAL PATTON, THEREBY CAUSING US ALL TO DROWN IN THEIR POST-LACTATED HATE-FUELED SPITE MILK.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED, STEER CLEAR OF THIS FEMINIST-DRIVEN BARRAGE OF CLITORAL CURMUDGEONY AT ALL COSTS!

EXPLODING HEADS

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“Hyperbolic Reviews” are the humorous works of a lunatic who’s just nuts about films. His enthusiasm is unbridled. They are not meant to be taken seriously, and by no means are they meant to poke fun at anyone or anything. Any resemblance to actual reviews written by the living or the dead is purely coincidental.

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