7 Habits of Highly Effective Serial Killers
Chase Will
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So, you want to be a serial killer?
First off, let me be the first to congratulate you on this tremendous career choice! Our ever-changing professional landscape is always on the lookout for new blood, and we offer flexible dress codes, variable work hours, and the occasional surprise vacation to the psych ward!
I bet you’re already sharpening your blades and eyeballing the city streets for teenagers and prostitutes, huh?
Whoa! Easy there, young whippersnapper! Before you start slicing and dicing all willy-nilly, there are a few primary success principles you ought to master first. Listed below are seven major habits demonstrated by men who’ve made a killing at their job. Ready? Let’s begin!
“Be presentable” – Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs
Sloppy work denotes a sloppy mind. If you want to make a real impression as a killer, you must always put your best foot forward. Take, for example, Dr. Lecter’s etiquette: he greets everyone with the utmost courtesy, even from behind reinforced glass; during downtime, he even assists fellow inmates curb lousy language. As if that weren’t enough, he demonstrates empathy in social exchanges (“Toughened your nipples, didn’t it?”) and always succeeds at saving face during awkward situations (i.e.—breaking out of a police station). Remember, the better your manners, the better your chance of lowering the defenses of potential victims!
“Go against the grain for shocking success” – Victor Frankenstein, Frankenstein
Not all advice is good advice, and true masters of their craft know when to ignore doctors, professors, and any other know-all who warns them against ambition. Although Dr. rankenstein isn’t a technically a serial killer, his headstrong attitude and determination to seek success on his own terms spawned a kick-ass monster (as well as a box office bomb: I, Frankenstein.)
“Weed out the losers” – Dexter Morgan, Dexter
In some circles this falls under the same category as ratting out a co-worker, but believe me when I say: It’s a necessity. Dearly Darwinist Dexter ensures serial killers who leave messy, evidence-filled workspaces don’t have lasting careers, and, like any good suck-up, he’s a stickler for the rules.
“Encourage bonding experiences” – Dr. Josef Heiter, The Human Centipede
Not only has Dr. Heiter found his niche in malpractice, but he’s a revelation in forging person-to-person connections! His 100% professionally accurate tactics have even led him to hosting private team-building seminars for groups of three or less, where ass-kissing is merely the first step in career mobility. Just a glance at his LinkedIn profile will have you hungry for his advice!
“Be a multi-hyphenate” – Sweeney Todd, Sweeney Todd
In today’s world, it seems it’s no longer acceptable to specialize in just one thing. So why be just a killer, when you can be a killer-barber-‘bakery chain supplier’? You’ll be raking in the dough as you change up the daily grind and meet a whole new grade of customers! And if you’re afraid such professional expansion will eat up your spare time, don’t fret—Mister Todd still had leisure time for singing, choreography, and vengeance.
“Expand your world view” – Norman Bates, Psycho
Even a humble hotel proprietor can demonstrate the mother of all success principles: Always seek out new perspectives. Tired of watching your prey from outside their windows? Try drilling a peephole in their bathroom wall. Sick of the same uncomfortable gender-enforcing clothing? Try on Mother’s most comfortable dress. Nothing in this world is black and white, so take a stab at seeing things from all different angles. There’s no telling what bright future you’ll find in store for you and the voices in your head!
“Allow time for leisure” – Jame Gumb, The Silence of the Lambs
After a long day of pounding pavement and bashing skulls, it’s easy to feel burnt out if you don’t take time to enjoy the little things. Lay down your tools and boogey every now and then! Whether you’re strutting your stuff in front of a mirror or just dancing in the dark, it’s an important reminder not to take yourself too seriously, even when your creative well runs dry. Try it on for size! Will you enjoy it? Oh, you’ll enjoy it. You’ll enjoy it so hard…
