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Sharks, 3D, Heidi Montag, Boobs, and Delusions of Grandeur

Sharks, 3D, Heidi Montag, Boobs, and Delusions of GrandeurA 3D movie involving sharks and a big-breasted blonde’s boobs? Shouldn’t The Buz be writing this story? Is there even a story here? There will be if Heidi Montag has it her way. God help us.

With MTV canceling “The Hills” after six culture decaying seasons, Heidi Montag now has to come up with some other means by which to remain in the public spotlight and pay off what must be her astronomical plastic surgery bills. I believe Montag is composed of enough synthetics by this point to legally change her name to Cherry 2000.

Having already failed to launch a singing career, Montag (seen in the accompanying photo looking like an unplugged Stepford Wife) has set her sights on Hollywood, and not just acting. She’s written a screenplay for a movie she plans to star in about her DDD breast implants defeating a man-eating shark. You think I’m making this up? Here’s the money quote from People:

“I am making the first 3D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town, and I save the day with my 3D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!”

And will Eddie Deezen play a grizzled sea captain named Squint? What about Dan Monahan? Surely Dan Monahan must be involved somewhere?

Montag’s role would be that of a lifeguard named Summer, presumably because the name BJ Cummings was already used by “Son of the Beach”.

“And while that project has yet to be greenlit, Montag is as confident as ever that she’ll make a splash in the film industry. Says Montag, “I’m now finally free to start my career and my new life as female mogul in Hollywood!”

Newsflash for the future female movie mogul: If and when your movie ever becomes a reality, the Piranha remake will have already beaten you to the killer fish and jiggling boobs in 3D market.

The Foywonder

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Foywonder

  • Vanvance1

    I have never watched ‘The Hills’ and have only the vaguest of ideas who this woman is.

    What I will say is: Fake breasts have a definite upside (pun intended), especially silicone which can look great.

  • Blockbuster

    Awwww, you guys. You had me at Boobs.

  • James Coker

    I’m With you there Buz, If this gets made, It would be a Dream come true, P.S. Can’t Wait for Monsterpalooza

  • Terminal

    Wow, a fake, artificial superheroine made up of more combined parts than the Six Million Dollar Man to take up sharks? That’s the best she could come up with? And people call her talentless, hah!
    ———-
    “We are bad guys. That means we’ve got more to do other than bullying companies. It’s fun to lead a bad man’s life.”

  • LifeMi

    I think the “Shark Alarm” just went off all over the internet.

  • The Buz

    I came every where upon reading the headline.

    I came even more reading the article.

    I came once again typing this response.

    I have no fucking idea who the fuck Heidi Montag is, but god bless her and her wonderful ideas.

    It would seem she reached out in the ether, and plucked the dreams of a young man out and decided to make a movie about it.

    Those are my dreams. And my god, I cannot thank her enough.

    Please let this happen. Please.

    • Styling Shatner

      Are you saying that so that she would hire you to be a part of the crew? : )

      Seriously, though, hopefully one day you will work on a killer shark movie, as I know that would be a dream come true for you.