41

Universal Thinking 3D Jaws Remake

No matter how much we wanted to deny it, we knew this day would eventually come. Scary rumblings out of Universal today tell of a possible 3D Jaws remake. We’re gonna need a bigger barrel. To vomit in.

Let us stress THIS IS VERY MUCH A RUMOR at this point, but according to Cinema Blend:

“A source of ours over at Universal Pictures says the studio is strongly considering a remake of the summer blockbuster in hopes of dazzling younger audiences with new special effects. Their claim is that people now expect more, visually, from their moviegoing experience. So, Hollywood studios are inclined to take some of their tried and true franchise names like Jaws and bring them into the 3D world.

Our insider says Tracy Morgan was at one point being considered for the part of Matt Hooper, previously played by Richard Dreyfuss. While it’s uncertain whether that’s still the plan, it does indicate that they seem to be taking a more comedic direction with the part.”

Someone. Please. Shoot us in the face. Really, go ahead. Point blank range. Just set the barrel right here and squeeze.

Universal Thinking 3D Jaws Remake

Uncle Creepy

VISIT THE EVILSHOP @ AMAZON!
Got news? Click here to submit it!
Say your prayers in the Dread Central forums!
Image Type 1:

DreadCentral presents Box of Dread

Box of Dread
*Some International Shipping Available
  • Gus Bjork

    After reading this I had a vision of Steve Alton rocking back and forth in a dark room muttering “Meg 3-D Meg 3-D Meg 3-D” while he waits for a phone call that is apparently never going to come.

    To a certain extent Jaws is remade frequently, at least as far as a giant shark eating people goes. Lots and lots of giant shark movies. You just have to avoid characters named Quint and such and sidestep around plots that are a little too similar. To my mind that’s the only reason there’s been, so far, no official remake. Why bother? There’s nothing else on any sort of artistic or integrity basis that’s kept it from happening as far as I can tell. It’s like The Godfather. You can make mafia movies with all these elements and still not have to call it a remake. Considering all the money you spend on rights, all you get in return is the title and maybe the theme. Is that worth it?

    The idea of remaking it, overall, sounds lousy. But to remake it as this rumor would have it sounds like a complete joke. Why would you advertise a remake of Jaws as comedic? That doesn’t make sense.

    • Cinemascribe

      Exactly.The tone of the concept is all wrong. JAWS is based on a scary, exciting novel by Peter Benchley and is an equally scary and exciting film. People can use whatever adjective they want to describe the film, but at the end of the day, JAWS is a serious, straightforward horror film. It’s an almost perfect realization of one of our most primal fears..being eaten alive by a force so powerful that we’re being devoured before we even know it’s hunting us. The article clearly suggests that they wouldn’t be looking for a dramatic turn from Morgan but tapping him for his comedic skills, and I just don’t think that approach lends itself to a remake of this particular material. The humor that did exist in the orignal JAWS wasn’t forced. It grew organcially from the characters as they achieved definition throughout the film and was used sparingly to help the audience actually empathize with their circumstances. Deliberate attempts at humor, on the other hand, would sink it. If they want to go that route, just do a flat out parody and leave the legacy of the original untarnished

  • Cash Bailey

    I don’t imagine, for a second, that Spielberg would let that happen.

    If he did I’d never watch another one of his films. Except for TINTIN, of course.

    • Terminal

      Spielberg didn’t have control over the sequels, why would he have control over whether the movie is remade or not? The man wanted a sequel done by the story Quint tells in the boat, but instead the studios just wanted to regurgitate the first movie all over again and Spielberg couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

      And let’s face it, when all is said and done there’s going to be a TON of execs saying “No this isn’t a remake, it’s more of a loyal adaptation of the book.”

      • krawlingkhaos

        Because we all love our killer sharks with a side of love-triangles.

  • frank_dracman

    At the risk of being throttled by Terminal, really guys, who didn’t see this coming? And if it’s only a rumor for now, you can bet your shark-bitten ass there will eventually be a remake. As long as the drones pay to see this stuff they will continue to pillage and rape any and all classic movies. I’m waiting for the announcement of a new Frankenstein movie with Sam Worthington as the creature. Ugh.

    • Terminal

      You’ve avoided a throttling. For now. 😛

  • The Buz

    It can’t be true. Can’t be.

    • Rorschach

      I’m just…in a state of shock and disbelief, Buz. I can believe that they’d want to investigate the possibility of reviving the JAWS franchise (based on how well Piranha-3D does) but the Tracy Morgan shit…that just SCREAMS “tacked on by someone who wanted people to freak the FUCK out about this rumor”.

    • Uncle Creepy

      Stage 1. Denial.

      • LifeMi

        Stage 2. Profanity-Laced Anger.

        • Rob

          Step 3. Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

          • Styling Shatner

            Stage 4: Searching online to find someone to build an A-Bomb to drop on Hollywood.

            I figured this was going to happen eventually, given all the properties that have been remade or rumored or scheduled to be remade soon. So, even this was going to get it, as much as it does not need one.

            But, making it “lighthearted” and having Tracy Morgan in a key role… cue the Price Is Right Fail Horn. Personally, I am not a fan of his mush-mouth style of “comedy” or “humor” so that is downright depressing.

            Still, it’s only a rumor so I won’t worry too much about it until it’s officially announced.

  • Emy

    So they too watched Back To The Future Part II this weekend and felt like we could at least reach one of the things showed in the Future in this movie…

  • Cinemajedi

    Oh. Dear. God.
    Tracy Morgan? Why not go full blown into a shit pile Universal? Hire Paul W. S. Anderson to write and direct, Mila Jovovich to play Brody, Ludacris to play Quint and Ben Affleck can play the fucking shark!!!! Can’t …..talk…. Aneurysm…..causing…….blackout…….

    • Rorschach

      Y’arr. This’ll replace the whale in me nightmares.

      But seriously….if a shred of this is true, Universal just replaced Rob Zombie as “horror cinema public enemy #1”. Hell this sounds like it’s going to make Zombie’s HALLOWEEN attempts look like modern masterpieces that were each directed by Scorsese, Coppola, and Speilberg simultaneously.

      Jesus.

  • LivingDeadPunk

    Eh. It might not be so bad. Tracie Morgan is funny and I like special effects. I think… I think this is gonna be awesome.

    • Floydian Trip

      I’ll take that as sarcasm. Jaws IS funny but it doesn’t have funny people in it which is what makes it so funny.

      I have yet to see a good CGI shark and I don’t think I ever will.

      They can make this movie because short of destroying Universal there’s nothing anyone can do. Not even Spielberg can stop this one. I love Universal though so I think burning it down is a bad idea. As misguided as they are now.

      Killing producers is a much better idea.

      • krawlingkhaos

        You’ll never get anywhere killing one be at a time, you’ve got to take out the whole fucking hive in one fell swoop.

        Of course, if we burn down Universal, then the rights’ll go up for auction and someone else will just buy them and remake it. Fuck!

        If this rumor is true, the only light at the end of the tunnel is that hopefully we’ll get a really sweet Blu-ray of the original. Then I can watch that instead of going to the theaters.

      • LivingDeadPunk

        Yeah. I was being an ass. Remaking Jaws is a horrible idea that kind of makes me feel ill.

  • Floydian Trip

    I don’t even think kids want this movie remade. Everyone I know from 6 years old and up loves the original. And yeah, they did it in 3D already and it blew chum.

  • PelusaMG

    They already did Jaws 3D – It sucked… Moving on!

  • krawlingkhaos

    Someone hand me my torch and pitchfork; its time to burn Hollywood to the ground.

  • Cinemascribe

    Let’s break down where this goes wrong:

    -“A source of ours over at Universal Pictures says the studio is strongly considering a remake of the summer blockbuster in hopes of dazzling younger audiences with new special effects.”

    Really? JAWS is being geared for younger audiences now? Because the last time I checked, it was the ultimate Man vs Nature story about an adult forced into a life and death confrontation with the most savage predator inhabiting earths oceans ..on the predators’ terms. Yeah..let’s gear THAT story towards kids and toss in a lot of nice, shiny CGI effects for appeal. Fuck,man. Just…fuck……

    “Their claim is that people now expect more, visually, from their movie going experience. So, Hollywood studios are inclined to take some of their tried and true franchise names like Jaws and bring them into the 3D world.”

    Don’t focus on, y’know, the STORY or anything. Why do we need to give a shit about the characters before they’re threatened with ichthyological ingestion? I mean, it isn’t as if really adds anything to a movie when it matters whether or not someone lives or dies.

    “Our insider says Tracy Morgan was at one point being considered for the part of Matt Hooper, previously played by Richard Dreyfuss. While it’s uncertain whether that’s still the plan, it does indicate that they seem to be taking a more comedic direction with the part.”

    Yep, that’s what this series needs after Jaws 3-D and Jaws the Revenge..something else to laugh at.

    I’m not sure when mollusks commandeered the head offices at Universal, but it’s all been downhill since.

    • Didn’t See It Coming

      When they say “younger audiences” I don’t think mean kids. I’m pretty sure they mean the audiences that are the same age as the audience when Jaws first came out. Or new audiences.

  • Terminal

    The first person who says “What’s the big deal? The original will still be there” gets punched in the throat. Punched in the throat!

    • PelusaMG

      Whatever they do, the original… (*Sound of gagging as throat is punched*)

      • Terminal

        You die now!!

    • thedarkestshadow

      Sory but I’m going to say it. The original will still be there and this will not hurt it by any means. That being said this sounds like a total piece of shit. I’m not completely against a remake (probably about 20 percent of me). I’d rather see a sequel if they absolutely must do another Jaws though. As far as the 3D goes, yes it’s been done before but that was with the crappy red and blue bullshit so it doesn’t count. I will not even attempt to watch this if Tracy Morgan is going to be in it.

      • Terminal

        You die now!!

  • Uncle Creepy

    This just in! Buz has been seen running down the 805 in California wearing nothing but a sandwich board that reads THE END IS NEAR scrawled in his own shit, blood, and cum.

  • Didn’t See It Coming

    I was always hoping to remake this movie. Damn it.

  • LifeMi

    Universal, FUCK YOU.

  • The Buz

  • Rob

    First thought that ran through my head was “Well, first sign of the Apocalypse. Everyone cool with Jesus? Good.”

  • Cinemascribe

    The day this idea becomes a reality and I see a poster advertising a JAWS remake..in 3-D..with Tracey Morgan as Hooper…I’m going to tip my hat to the universe in grateful recognition of forty or so years of an extremely surreal life, put a fucking gun in my mouth and ride the trigger straight into the light fantastic, because if this crapaliscious concept actually gets made, you’d better believe the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse won’t be far behind.

  • Uncle Creepy

    Somewhere. Right now. Buz is slamming his cock in a door.

    • Rorschach

      *Hyperventilates*

      I’m joining him, Creepy.

      Hey Buz, you need a first disciple in your War on Universal, I’m your man. Fuckin’ A. Let’s grab the Molotovs and fuck shit up, dude! This aggression will not stand, man!

      God, I’m shaking with rage right now….I cannot believe this. This has to be a joke. You’re ribbing me, right Creepy? If they touch JAWS, I am going to go blind fucking nuts and do something crazy. Like run naked and screaming into Steven Speilberg’s home, and refuse to leave until he kills this movie dead.

    • PelusaMG

      “Somewhere. Right now. Buz is slamming his cock in a door”… In 3D by chance?

  • DavidFullam

    Well, I now fully expect a 3D Exorcist remake. Hell, the remakes of the remakes will now be remade in 3D I’m sure.

  • Terminal

    “Our insider says Tracy Morgan was at one point being considered for the part of Matt Hooper, previously played by Richard Dreyfuss.”

    Oh come on!!! Come on!!! Are you fucking serious?!! And audiences want more?! I thought the whole success behind the movie was that it showed less of the shark?! Come on!! Rumor or not (I’ll put money that it’s not) this is just… god… grrr… there’s just too much bile to put together a coherent rant. I have to go lie down.

Steve Barton

You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.