Horror Movie Turkeys – 7 Recipes for Disaster
Steve Barton
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Here it is, kids! In light of Thanksgiving, I got to thinking about turkeys, but in this case I’m not talking about the ones that you eat. I’m talking 110% shit films that were a worse experience than sticking your hand up the ass of a frozen bird in search of the godforsaken “bag” filled with the neck and other body parts not fit for a cat to ingest!
You know them… you hate them… let’s remember these steaming piles of drivel as a cautionary tale of what NOT to do with your movies.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
What happens when you get a disinterested director, a lead actress who doesn’t want to be there, and couple them with one of the genre’s most beloved franchises? This ungodly piece of trash. Top to bottom it’s an absolute mess. Freddy (played here by a well meaning Jackie Earl Haley instead of Robert Englund) looks as if someone drew a face on a meatball and is about as intimidating as a cranky old man waving a cane. Haley was given NOTHING to work with here so I can’t really blame him, but we can blame the clunker of a script and the lackluster unimaginative direction of Samuel Bayer. This dude was given a budget for this flick that probably was more in total than all of the previous Nightmares put together and was let loose in a dreamland where anything could happen. What did we get? Snow in a classroom. Or was it ash? Oh, who fucking cares?
The Unborn (2009)
After cranking out countless remakes, Platinum Dunes decided to release an original film. Jumby wants to be born. Jumby wants this. Jumby wants that. Jumby, Jumby, Jumby. Who knew watching Gary Oldman and Idris Elba perform an exorcism could be so painfully dull and creatively bankrupt? I mean, it should have at least been funny in a bad way, no?
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Witness the birth of horror! Along with the missed opportunity of seeing a biker gang go head-up with the chainsaw clan! At least you can also witness an inordinate amount of Jordana Brewster’s ass crack, which serves as a minor distraction throughout the movie. That is, until you’re expected to believe that a near seven-foot tall chainsaw-wielding hulking madman could hide in the backseat of her car without being detected. Yeah, way to end a movie.
Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Never in the annals of horror history has a single opportunity for a sequel been so masterfully blundered. Blundered to the point of people chasing its makers down the street after its first screening. Holy shit, right?
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
Here’s an idea… let’s take two of the most beloved big screen baddies and put them in a movie together that’s so badly lit you could barely see a single frame of what’s actually going on. Who knows? If they one day release “The version you could actually see,” maybe this flick will come off this list.
The Haunting (1999)
Horror fans will long rue the day that someone told director Jan De Bont that he could use as much CGI as he wanted for his remake of Robert Wise’s classic 1963 The Haunting, which was based upon the incredible Shirley Jackson story. The only good thing to come of this cinema fiasco was Liam Neeson blathering out the hilariously delivered line, “WHAT DOES HE THINK THIS IS, A GAME?!?!?”
The Wicker Man (2006)
Exhibit A.
There you have ’em! In my estimation these are seven of the shittiest shivers ever put to film. I was gonna do some honorable mentions, but adding stuff like the remainder of the Platinum Dunes catalog, Strawberry Estates, and the entire filmic career of Uwe Boll is just too damned easy. What are some of the more torturous things you’ve sat through? Discuss below.
