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Bravetart vs. the Loch Ness Monster

Robin Hood: Beyond SherwoodSometimes you come across word of a movie for which the only logical reaction is “What the hell?” Such a movie is Bravetart vs. the Loch Ness Monster. Seriously. What the hell?

Remember Ken Russell? He’s the filmmaker behind Altered States, Lair of the White Worm, The Devils, Tommy, Gothic, Whore, etc. Always one known for mixing the artsy with the offbeat, he’s usually a “love him or hate him” kind of filmmaker. In this case, however, he’s more of a “what is he smoking?” kind of filmmaker.

Bravetart vs. the Loch Ness Monster is, according to the London Times, the next bit of cinematic lunacy to spring forth from Ken Russell’s mind with an assist from his current wife, Elise.

Bravetart MacDonald, our matter-of-fact hooker with a heart of gold and a brogue as thick as her boot soles, comes from a family of entrepreneurs – all in the flesh trade. Brother and sister arrive as paying guests at Crowley’s castle to participate in a wild haggis hunt, sponsored by Crowley and his trusty henchman MacHaddock (played by Barry Lowe). How the MacDonald siblings end up in a coffin floating down Loch Ness and Bravetart challenges the magician Crowley to a battle of wits and swordplay — with a bewitched, man-eating haggis joining the fun — are just more thrilling episodes in this bizarre and touching tale.

What is MacHaddock hiding under his kilt? Is Bravetart a common whore or a real-life Highland heroine? Is Crowley pure evil or do his feelings for Nessie and MacHaddock imply a tender side? Will the auld MacDonalds be restored to their clan glory, or will the family end up as fast food for a sea serpent’s snack?

I say once again, “What the hell?”

Undead Backbrain has more money quotes from the madness that is Ken Russell’s latest passion project.

Bravetart is a sassy Scottish prostitute who is played by my (Jill-of-all-trades) wife Elise and is pure invention, with a nod to Mel Gibson. The monsters — both the man (played by myself) and his amphibious ally or “familiar” — are based on real-life characters. The world-famous denizen of the deep is in actuality Nessie, that serpentine creature of myth and legend come to life. For the extravagant claim that she actually exists, I have the word of my one-time cameraman Dick Bush, who saw the monster from a hilltop overlooking the famous loch. Before he had time to reload his camera, the enormous beast had dived beneath the billows. Still, I believe him — Bush was, as they say, a “God-fearing man”.

But wait… It gets crazier!

I’m sure some of you have already guessed that I’m referring to that evil master of black magic, Aleister Crowley — who at one time lived in a sinister castle on the very shores of Loch Ness itself (before Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin bought it in a moment of rock-star hubris, only to sell it after it proved to be haunted).

Russell sums it all up: “I like to stretch the parameters of expectations — and flirt a little with the edges of bad taste. All in all, I aim for ‘dangerous beauty’, and I know it when I see it.”

Bravetart vs. the Loch Ness Monster will not be coming to a theater near you. But you will be able to watch it online sometime around Easter when the film debuts on the Internet.

One final time: WHAT THE HELL!?

The Foywonder

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  • Gus Bjork

    I can’t stand Ken Russell films. But yet, I’ve seen nearly every single of one of them. I’ll probably see this too and be awfully darn pissed when it’s over. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

  • Avery

    Ok, I have no idea of what in the living Hell he was talking about, but still gotta say I’m extremely excited and can’t wait to see it!

  • Styling Shatner

    You’d better do a review of this, Foy, once it comes out.

    I hope I’m not the only one who will admit to giggling like a schoolgirl when I read that Ken’s one-time cameraman was named Dick Bush.

  • The Buz

    I’m in.

  • Rorschach

    What the HELL?

Foywonder