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Forums Index -> Best-cellars -> hospital
alien_nation
PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 6:48 am  Reply with quote



Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 519

here's the story i wrote. the grammar is shit and most of it is kind of messy but it's good.


Man wakes up in Hospital and wonders where he is. He then speaks to a nurse that seems to be a bit odd since she has stitches all around her face. He asks her where sheís from and she just tells him nothing. Man tries to convince nurse to talk to him but she refuses and walks out of the room in a weird type of walk. We then see him at night where his arms are restrained and the nurse comes in the room to see how the patient is

doing. He looks around begs the nurse to be let free from the restraints. The nurse is hesitant and doesnít comply. She begins to speak in weird languages and the guy is confused. The nurse takes out a scalpel and begins to cut off her face. The guy begins freaking out and tries to break free from the restraints but they seem to be tight and overly secure. Faceless nurse begins to poise the scalpel down on the man in bed. She then starts to drag the scalpel down on his body. The man screams as the nurseís cuts off his skin and as the blood pours out of his body he begins to be in a state of wakefulness and begins to beg for his life but the nurse says nothing. She then begins to cut at his eyes and cut them out. A guy is pleading for his life but the nurse just doesnít say a thing. She goes for the eyes and cuts them out as the guy screams in agony. The nurse then walks out of the room and shakes and convulses as sheís leaving. She walks down the all to the laboratory. Guy later wakes up and realizes itís just a dream. He then starts to question the nurse thatís coming in the



room now. He then asks why am I hearing and she begins to tell him why he was here. The guy seems to be out of it since heís heavily medicated and doesnít understand her voice. When he comes to he is in the dark and looking around. He later calls out for the nurse but thereís no answer at all. He starts to get up from his bed and begins to walk down the hallway looking for any signs of people or life. He later smells something fouls from the ceiling and begins to walk in the dark and dank hospital where no one seems to be. The stink begins to get worse as he is almost gagging from the smell. He walks down the hall for about 20 feet and sees a rotting dead body. The body has no arm or eyes. He gets scared and begins to run down the hall. He later grabs a pipe and flashlight hidden in the office of an abandoned room. He walks down the hall looking. He sees a weird person walking the persons seems to be in a state of rage. The guy tries to walk and talk him out of the anger but it doesnít listen. It charges at him and it misses him by an inch. Then the character dodges most of his attacks but one. The blow hits him on the arm. He feels a long and sharp pain. The character begins to hit the deformed creature with no face and a cut along his chest with staples going down to his waist. The character hits the creature with his lead pipe and begins to beat it hard. To a bloody pulp. The blood gushes out of the wound in his chest. Then chest wound suddenly opens and his guts fall out littering the floor with blood and a rancid smell so bad that he almost threw up.



He then runs down the hall screaming bloody murder. He turns the corner and looks around to see if anyone is around the narrow corridors of this hospital. It seems clear but he still notices a bad smell. He walks down the hall and comes into a surgery room. A flash back happens as it shows a person being operated on by dr. the DR start cutting into the patientís chest. As he removes his hear and stomach. He then puts a green glowing entity in his chest and begins to sew him up. Thereís a dead body in the room that looks like it had a failed experiment. The corpse body seemed melted beyond repair. He later begins to freak out and starts to question his sanity when he meets a young girl. The girl is scared out of her mind. She was about 11 yrs old had short black hair with a scar on her shoulder and throat. She says she was in an accident and almost died because of it. He questions her about how she got there and how she could be alive in this place with all them creatures running around. We later seem them both walking down the hall. They both hear loud banging that seems to be coming from this big door. They go closer to investigate the sound. The door suddenly bursts open as this deformed person that seems to be made of pieces of other people begins to chase them. They run down the hall trying to evade it. The creature begins to bang and break the walls around them. They gun it fast but their creature crashes threw the wall and


begins to try and hit them. The man tries to escape but the cant. He tries to run away in the opposite direction. But the big metal pipe from the creature hits him and knocks him out cold. He later wakes up on a trolley being pushed down a dimly lit corridor. The wheels squeak and he tries to get up but he seems to not be able to move. He begins to scream but no one can hear his screams. He must have been going for hours in this trolley going somewhere dreadful. He then begins to in vision his untimely demise. The trolley is going to the insane asylum. The smell from the asylum seems to be getting worse as the reach it the walls are covered in


dead bodies nailed to the wall in god like poses. Their guts have spilled out after days of rotting in the asylum uncared and unknown. They put the guy in one of the cells. There is a dead body wrapped in barbed wire. It seems that it has been there for months just rotting. The smell was unbearable. He screams for help but no one in the whole hospital can hear him. He begins to scream himself to sleep. He later wakes up and the asylum is quiet and begins to open the door that
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Was before locked and couldnít get out and began to scream. We see him walking around the darkly lit asylum that seems to be over bearing in smell. He looks around for a new kind of weapon. But all he can find is antibiotics and sedatives. He says great to himself and he. Looks for a way out of the place. But most of the doors are locked. He later finds a vent and tries to climb in but when he opened it a pile of body parts and blood gushed out of the vent. He begins to take out all the body parts that are stuffed in there tightly. He then proceeds to walk threw the vents in a kind of disgusting feelings. The blood in the vent was wet and slippery and crawls around for something to latch onto so he doesnít slip. He then comes to a dead end. The blood is so slippery that he falls threw the too dark and narrow pitfall that awaits him down below. He hits a pile of dead bodies that have been used as a bad experiment. Their eyes, nose, innards and limbs. He walks out of there out of his mind. He begins to talk to himself. He says where am I, am I going insane. What is wrong with this hospital? It seems to be possessed by some sort of cult. He walks down the hall. Trying to find something remotely familiar about this place. Flashback asylum. People are being shots with tranquilizers. And is then


subject to torture. When there out of it they take their arms and hammer spikes into their arms onto the walls. They bind their feet and put and metal spike threw them. Then the DRís get the blowtorch and slowly run it across their bodies as most of the patients are screaming. In the main room people are cut up by knives and saw blades. They begin to hack off their arms, legs and eyes. The blood is flowing freely as gallons seep out of their cuts. They throw the pieces of flesh in the vents as it tries to get them down to the morgue. We later see the man in the morgue as the places seems to be rusted and covered with fresh and dried blood. He begins to walk around as he sees a person cutting up a live body on the ground. The guy is screaming for dear life. The character is getting his needles ready to stick the creature in the head. It doesnít seem to work so he grabs a morgue panel and begins to bash the character skull in. the creature begins to bleed out his head but the damage doesnít seem to bother it. The creature lets out a howling scream and begins to chase him around the morgue. The character finds a sharp bone saw lying around. And turns it on. He begins to swipe it at the creature. He hits him on the chest as the monster lets out a large scream. The blood is pouring out his



chest. The character then begins to start cutting off his head. He then runs back to the guy screaming on the floor. We also hear the creature screaming his last breaths of air. He and the man talk about how this place is weird, creepy and almost satanic in feeling. They then walk down the hall looking for the reception area. The hallway to get there is all foggy and hard to see. He runs back to get the bone saw and begins to walk slowly down the hallway. He then hears a loud scream. He starts to run. He thought that he had killed the creature but I guess he only stunned him. He and the man
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He and the man begin to run for their lives down the hallway. Planks of steal nail but when they get to reception the windows up. He then says to himself and the guy says great this is just great. And begin to run faster down the hall. The hit a hard turns and almost rams into the wall. The guy is bleeding because he was cut by the creature in the morgue and didnít realize it yet. The character asks if he is all right and he replies I think so. Just a flesh wound. They go hide in the research lab in a locker. The monster comes down the hall screaming and banging everything. It begins to smash the lockers and they guys are panicking. They try to keep calm but itís still hitting the lockers and the gas mains. The creature screams and leaves to go elsewhere. They come out of the locker but they hear something sparking and begin to run as fast as they can out of the room. The place ignites and blows the place up. There walking down the hall then they hear a loud boom from the inside the walls. They walk further but the creature begins to bang harder. It then jumps out the wall smashes the bleeding guy against the wall. He his body goes splat as his body explodes on impact. The character is now face to face with the creature. It starts to breathe in his face as the smell of his breath is of rotting flesh. But the creature hears a loud ringing sound and begins to take off down the hall. The guy is in relief and begins to start going insane. He starts to see other deformed creatures. The walls begin to bleed and the wall begins to turn



into flesh as it starts to peel away falls to the ground. He walks down hallways filled with clutter, naked mannequins and dead body parts. The hallways are becoming narrow now and begin to run in a panic as the walls start to close in on him. He makes it just in time before the walls finally close. He then proceeds to walk around in a drunken pace and is almost on the brink of madness and passes out. He wakes up in the basement and begins to follow the only way he can go. He walks for miles down the hallway but nothing seems to be there. And begins to talk. Hello. Is there anybody here. Why are there no lights down here? I canít seem to find my way out. Help me Iím being stalked by a large faceless creature. Can anybody here me? He just hereís an echo back of his own voice. He then finds a curve in the walkway takes him down a narrow corridor and begins to hear voices from another room so he hides. He hears a DR and a nurse talk about how the character got away from the creature so
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Many times without being killed. He then talks how he is going to bring out his latest creation from his lab experiment gone badly. This new creature was made of a new type material that made him look almost rubber and plastic like. He had deep surgical scars and stitches all around his chest and neck; his hands were covered with barbed wire and a metallic like substance in between. Where his eyes should have been were sewed up and had a dark green glow to them. The DR turned on the power to where this thing was in cased in a protective plastic. The liquid began to drain and when the creature awoke is screamed in the highest and most disturbing that the plastic shattered into a million peaces. The Dr said go forth and fined this man that has evaded all of us. The creature left the holding tank and began to walk out to the hall. The walls shook with every step it took. It walked down the hall in a slow and loud limp. When it walked it let out heavy breathing sound. It was like a screeching sound. It began search for the character and tried to sniff out his scent. He couldnít smell a thing until he came into the turn in the hallway where the character had been hiding behind. When the creature came to that location the character had been he



let out a loud barking sound. The smell had gotten so intense that the creature new he was close. He began punching threw walls to see if he could spot any suspicious movement. He began smashing and smashing without any luck until he came to the last wall in the corridor. The creature got his scent the character could hear the loud footsteps from the creature. He had a sudden feeling of nauseous ness and began to talk to himself. Saying what is happening to me, where am I, what am, is this real, I must be loosing it. The creature crashed threw the room almost killing him with the impact it had done. The character got away with a broken ankle and began limping as fast as he could to get away from the creature. The creature began to get up and slowly follow him and track him down. The character began limping as fast as he could but it was almost know use since he had broke the bone saw on body of the last creature that tried to kill him but failed. He had to find a weapon anything around him that would be big enough to stun it long enough to get away. He was walked 20 paces and found shotgun that had been left there by crazed civilian. He picked it up walked down the hall. The creature was about 5 paces behind him. The creature was playing a game of cat and mouse with him. The creature began to speed up on him. He tried to limp faster but it really hurt as he went. The creature then started jumping and began the chase. The guy ran as fast as he could with the shotgun as a crutch. But it was almost hopeless, as it was one step away. He lifted the shotgun with two hands and fired with his eyes closed. He hit the creature in the chest as blood and sinew gushed out of the wound. He fired again and he got it right in the face. The creature was stunned and fell to the floor. The character began limped fast down the hallway but he had so much agony that he had to find a med kit somewhere. He was looking for a med lab. He looked hard and finally found one. He picked up a sprint and began to wrap the wound with gauze and skin tape. He took a dose of morphine to stop the pain. He



took the rest of it with him so he would feel less pain. The creatureís wounds began to heal. The creature got up. The character heard it and began to run down the hall to make some traps for it. The first trap was made out of scalpels and wire. And when the creature went past it the scalpel wound penetrate deep in his skin slowing it down. The next one was made out of body parts and spikes. He stacked the body parts on the crate that he found in the nursing room, and some body parts from rotting leftovers. , And a drop of his blood to lure the creature to it. He heard the creature get up it began to walk down the hall. He began to pick up pace when all of a sudden the trap the character made cut him in the throat eyes and chest. The chest cut opened up the stitched up stomach. The blood seeped out fast from the trauma it had taken. The shot to the throat had weakened it a lot. But the one that got his eyes made it scream out in fear. The blow really hurt the beastís eyes. They began to glow an even brighter green from the wounds. It slowly went after the character and it turn the corners as fast as it could with the wounds it sustained in the final blow. The creature saw him down the hall. He began to walk as fast as it could but it hit the other trap. The trap cut off his legs and cut out the rest of the eye socket. The creature began to use his arms as legs and tried to catch up. It left a long trail of blood behind it. The character ran down the hall. Into the boiler room trying to lure the creature there. In the boiler room he found a long spike and hid. The creature was slowly coming down




the hall making a moaning sound. It began to smell the character blood. It followed his scent into the boiler room and looked around. The creature was now facing the front of the open flame. The character was hiding behind the furnace. The character slowly crept up behind him and as soon as he reached the back of the creature. He rammed the spike threw it head and out the eyes. The creature screaming agony and pain. The creature fell down to the ground in pain. The character picked up the creature and stuffed it into the burner. The creature began to scream as the character pulled the latch to add more flame to the boiler. The creature began to scream as loud as it could as it slowly burned to death. He watched
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As it took it final scream of its demise. He then began to walk down the hall but came to a stop as he saw the 11yr old girl pop out of nowhere. The character got scared. He asked where have you been? Iíve been around. Around where huh! How dare you do that to me? I was really scared and stuff ok. Thatís no excuse man. Well I beg to differ said the girl. The girl said. But come with me I have something really important to show you. Where is this copy right 2005


. Where is this place? Just follow me silly and I will show you where Iím taking you. Ok but this better be worth my time. Oh but it is said the girl. He began to follow the girl in hesitation. They walked down halls and up stairs. Where are u taking me said the girl. I canít say at the moment man. Why? Itís important. They began to go down more hallways and up more steps. He began to have a weird feeling in his gut but just ignored it for the time being. They went past nurseries and patient quarters as she led him threw lots of claustrophobic areaís that really made him uncomfortable. He began to confront the girl. He said tell me where youíre taking me now! Why do you have to know man? Cause your really scaring me now. Weíve been going in circles the past few hours. Na I canít I donít want to ruin the surprise. Then I guess Iím just going to stay in this spot until you talk. Ok suit yourself. The girl left and ran down the hall. The guy felt a sense that something wasnít right in the place he was standing. So he began to run after the girl but she just vanished. He ran threw patient rooms and threw records rooms with no luck in finding her. He began to find a way up the roof to try and get out of here. Somehow he found a door leading up. He began to ascend the stairs. He came to a place filled with clutter he began to move the things that were in his way. He read roof




entrance. He tried to open the door but it wouldnít budge. So he began hitting it and kicking it. But the door still didnít budge. So he used the shotgun and blasted it. The door finally gave way. The girl was standing 2 feet in front of him. Oh hey itís you. What are you doing here now man? Iím waiting for someone. Oh really! Yeah. The DR just came out from under the helicopter pad. He began to talk. Thank you for bringing him to me little girl. Youíre welcome. Why did you take me to him? Because you were the most important person in this place. How so? Iím just an ordinary guy. Yeah well we donít think so. The girl began to shake and scream. Her body began to change. Her legs began to enlarge. Her eyes began to bleed and a dark yellow and grey colour began to form around her body. Her shoulder blades began to open up in the back of her forming wings of some sort. Her arms had turned into razor blades. The girls legs began to rot and turn into a soft and acidic material. The girl took off in flight and began to take off in the sky. She began screaming when she flew. Oh know said the DR. wait right here I have to get something. He went down to the weapon room no body new of. He got out a gattling gun and began to attach it the helicopter. The helicopter started to run and they both got in it. Ok this is what was going to do said the Dr. when you spot her your



going to open fire on her wings to take her down. OK said the man but your nuts creating something like her I hope you get whatís coming too you. They spotted her 20 feet in front of them. The character began to take aim and fire. Most of the bullets missed her. He then fired in a continuous stream and hit her twice in the wing. The girl began to circle around them. Oh s*** said the character. The helicopter turned as fast as it could. He started firing again. He some how hit her in the bones of her wings and it let out a painful cry. The blow had made it look balance and she began to descend into the ground. She hit the pavement really hard. And when the helicopter landed. The character began shooting at her head and other body parts that he could see. The girl began to feel weak. The creatures were pinned to the ground as he fired. The Dr got out of the car and started running towards it. The Dr pulled out something green and with a reddish tone and began to inject it into the girl. The girlís body began to change in form back to the little girl he once saw. She began to say. Daddy um what happened to me? Nothing happened sweetie. Are you sure daddy cause I felt weird? The Dr replied no nothing happened you just forgot to




take your meds today. The girl began to get up and the Dr carried her to the helicopter as they both flew away and back to the secret base 20 miles from here. When they arrived the girl was put into a metal see threw tank. The girl began to scream as the fluid began to cover her. The girl was screaming daddy why? I have known choice youíre a threat to others. Your bring death to people you love and care for. Daddies I promise I wont do it again. Itís too later for that honey. This was your last chance to prove yourself to me and you failed this. Iím sorry. The fluid was now covered all over her naked body. The Dr then pressed the button to put her to sleep. A huge needle descended and poked her in the stomach and began to pass out slowly. The Dr cries walking away going down the hallway. The character was not walking out of the lab and began to walk down the hall he began to feel sick and he began to talk to himself again. He just couldnít believe what he just saw. And began to go mad from what he saw this entire time as a normal looking hospital. He began to walk outside and get a lift from a car. But when he was about the get in
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The Dr came running. I hope you can forgive me for what happened here tonight. And try not to tell anyone of this incident to anyone. This is the last time something like this will happen. Ok said the character in hesitation. He then got into the car and drove off to a local bar and began to see things in the mirror. Dark horrible things that werenít human. He could hear the screams of the things he killed in the hospital. After he finished his drinks he began to find his way back home. But on his way he found a gun shop and stole a gun from the store with 50 gauge bullets. And began to walk and find himself. But on the way he began to hallucinate again as he saw more of these creatures around him. They began to close in around him and he began to fire at the creatures. His mind had become so infected that he couldnít tell what was human or not. He shot about 20 out of the 50 creatures he found. He began to mutter inside him. And had only one choice in this matter. And he began to think




of it hard in his head. He began to remember the happy moments he had in his life. Stuff that involved his family and everyone that had good times with him. He was sad when he had to come to this decision, in a life he once knew as wonderful and great. He began to cry. The creatures then began to creep forward to him and he tried to fight them off put there were too many of them he tried to flee but they caught up with him as fast as he could run. He then felt a sudden feeling of sadness in his life and began to sit down on the floor and look back again at the wonderful life he had. He began loading the shells into his shotgun and when they were full he cocked the barrel and slowly began to put it to his head. He then began to slowly pull the trigger. And the first shot didnít fire and he cocked it again. The creatures began to surround him again. He reloaded his last bullet and pulled the trigger. The gun let out a loud bang and the character just lay there limp and not moving. The creatures began to vanish. Then out of the blue the Dr took his dead corpse and took it too the lab and began experimenting on him. And put an electronic brain in his body sewed it up and began surging electricity threw his new brain. The character woke up and began to scream noooooooooo! And when he saw the Dr he began



to smash the Drís head. But behind him was another Dr with a sedative and knocked him out. They carried him into a containment area and locked him in. the character then began to awake and wonder how he could be alive after all this mess. He began to feel the bad of his head. Oh no what has happened to me? Someone gave me a new brain. Why would someone want to do this to me? The Dr came in and replied youíre a very special patient of hour and we needed you dead so we could change some things on you. Your now our pet and you will do as your told and end the world that has become infected with rage. copyright 2006
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alien_nation
PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 9:45 pm  Reply with quote



Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 519

common u guys give me feedback.
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bring forth sin, and man will suffer. bring forth insanity the global warming apocalypse will commence.
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alien_nation
PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 10:39 pm  Reply with quote



Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 519

why don't you guys give a fuck about my story for? i need replies man. stop being so selfish.
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alien_nation
PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:34 am  Reply with quote



Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 519

are you guys that mean? i need some feedback stop being so mean and uncaring.
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bring forth sin, and man will suffer. bring forth insanity the global warming apocalypse will commence.
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Elf
PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 3:21 am  Reply with quote



Joined: 21 Jun 2006
Posts: 261

Since you're asking for feed back, and as a fellow writer I can see where the need is at . . .

What's the character's name? You just call him the character through out the whole story. No one's going to care about The Character. He needs a name, a personality.

Not to mention you SHOW in writing and not tell. It's one thing to say:

"David was afraid."

Then it's a whole other to say:

"David's hands were trembling slightly, his heart was threatening to rip it's way out of his chest with each step and cold sweat trickled down his forehead."

Now, ask yourself, which one of those two sentences has the most impact?

Also, dialogue is pretty much needed in a story. Quotation marks are good too. Show that the Character (God, give him a NAME) talking to the nurse.

David asked, "Where am I?"

The nurse continued with her work, ignoring him.

He tried to sit up. His heart raced as he realized he couldn't move. His legs and arms were stuck in place, bound to the bed he was laying upon.

Cold sweat broke out as he filled with alarm. His voice rose as he demanded, "Where the hell am I?"

See how much that works?

Flesh out the story. Bring the reader into it. Not to mention grammar is a good thing. Also, read some. Get a feel on how other writers present their work.

As it is, to be blunt, it's awful. Hopefully though my suggestions will help you. Still, good luck as a writer.
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alien_nation
PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 4:29 am  Reply with quote



Joined: 03 Jul 2006
Posts: 519

his name is bobby. that story will end up being my first ever film. i found it to be not bad, and my friend said it could be a mind fuck.
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bring forth sin, and man will suffer. bring forth insanity the global warming apocalypse will commence.
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Elf
PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 2:41 am  Reply with quote



Joined: 21 Jun 2006
Posts: 261

Well, put that in the story. Also, if it's going to be a movie write it in script form. That seems like the way to go.

Also, your icon scares me in a hilarious way.
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