Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Hearses, Trains and Ice Cream Mobiles

“See me coming, you ain’t got no change
Don’t worry baby, it can be arranged
Show me you can smile, baby just for me
Fix you with a drumstick, I’ll do it for free
‘Cause I’m the ice cream man, I’m a one-man band
I’m the ice cream man, honey, I’ll be good to you…”

– Tom Waits, “Ice Cream Man”

Well kiddies, this is the 20th installment of Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT, which nowadays means I get some kind of platinum gift. Since I doubt that’ll happen, I’ll take this time to give a nod to one of the coolest pieces of Tales from the Crypt merchandise ever made that I’ll humbly accept as a gift in lieu of platinum: the pinball machine that premiered in finer arcades during this very season!

Oh, you better believe I covet this beauty, and the only thing that’s kept me from getting into serious crime to get it is that I’m very clumsy and would get caught immediately. That’s it! No morality could keep me from this beauty. Designed by John Borg, who was also behind the pinball machines for Jurassic Park and Last Action Hero in the same year, this was unquestionably a blockbuster release that was further proof that the show and its haunted host were firmly wedged into the teeth of the zeitgeist. Rumor has it that getting an ultimate end score of 66 million 6 hundred thousand is common, which makes it even more lovable.


Season 5, Episode 4: “Food for Thought” based on Tales from the Crypt #40
Directed by: Rodman Flender
Written by: Larry Wilson
Originally aired: October 6, 1993

Director and writer pedigree: Rodman Flender’s genre output is as delightful as his name is, and he’ll pop back in to write and direct “99 & 44/100% Pure Horror” in season six. From the pregnancy horror The Unborn (and extensive work with Roger Corman in general, which he gets into very charmingly on the commentary on the Scream Factory Blu-ray for the film if you’re interested) to Leprechaun 2 to doing a ton of television directing, Flender here knows his stuff: This is no more apparent than in his directing of Idle Hands, the underrated 1999 horror comedy that was probably way too important during my strange days as a kid obsessed with Seth Green.

Larry Wilson is back for the third episode of his five-episode output: The gooey center if you will! (It’s a food-titled episode, so you should.) So far he gave us Tim Roth as a tortured artist, the rock star boy with the Tia Carrere dragon tattoo, and now we have confirmation that his writing is incredibly atmospheric regardless of whether Friedkin, Harrison or Flender are directing his stories. Wilson may have written some of the most fun genre-parallel movies in Beetlejuice and The Addams Family, but he sure as hell gets his demons out in the Crypt. Good for him!

Other notables: We got a Ghostbuster and the sensible one in The Crow in Ernie Hudson. We have a gorgeous woman of Twin Peaks in Joan Chen. We also have the legendary Doug Jones as a contortionist, but sadly he’d pretty much just part of the background. Composer Sylvester Levay scores the episode, and if you want a general idea of the late-night-HBO-sex-violence-weird-comedy vibe of this outing, he also worked on Cobra, Boogie Nights, Howard the Duck, and my personal favorite: the TV movie The Cover Girl and the Cop.

Does It Deliver?: We return to the three rings with another episode set at a circus, which is always fertile ground for both horror and noir-flavored tragedies. The Great Zambini (Hudson) and his lovely assistant and wife Connie (Chen) have a legitimate shared mind reading power where Connie can read Zambini’s mind, and they use that for their act. Unfortunately, Zambini ain’t really so great as he’s an abuser and manipulator who has no reservations in using this power to claw inside Connie’s mind to sate his petty desires. Connie’s hitting her limit, though, especially when she falls in love with Johnny (John Laughlin from Ken Russell’s Crimes of Passion!), who works with fire and is also very close to the man-eating gorilla for some reason. When Zambini gets wind of the affair and Connie’s plan to leave him, things really come to a head as the battle of the minds reaches head-spinning heights.

This certainly isn’t a comedy episode (though there are some half-hearted slapstick and sight gags with Phil Fondacaro) but it is deeply silly. Whether that’s a positive or a negative for you will solely depend on how flexible you are as a Tales fan. Are you pretty open-minded when sex and gore hit the fan at the same time? How about when abrupt tonal shifts take the wheel? Deep down, how do you feel about people in primate costumes? “Food for Thought” will test all these limits and more, especially when it veers into some soap operatic moments. Personally, this has never been a favorite of mine, but I admire it for being deeply, aggressively original and having an incredibly distinct flavor to it. This one really got to me as a kid, and revisiting it now brought that all back. This one has atmosphere to spare.

As an aside, seeing Ernie Hudson play someone who engages in things like mind rape and wife beating in creepy clown makeup illustrates one of the many great things about Tales from the Crypt: Actors could stretch their acting muscles, take chances, and work against their “type” without attaching a risk to their reputation and earning ability if experimenting with that in feature-length picture ended up failing.

Best Cryptkeeper line: “They don’t call me the Tooth Scary for nothing!”


Season 5, Episode 5: “People Who Live in Brass Hearses” based on The Vault of Horror #27
Directed by: Russell Mulcahy
Written by: Scott Nimerfro
Originally aired: October 13, 1993

Director and writer pedigree: Russell Mulcahy is back! Anyone who pulls off an episode that’s almost too EC Comics for television (season three’s “Split Second”) is always a sight for sore eyes down here, and genre-benders who direct underrated gems like Razorback and accurately rated other gems like Highlander tend to do some of the strongest episodes. I could gush more, but Mulcahy’ll be back to direct two more episodes, so stay tuned for some very strong opinions of the Resident Evil cinematic universe and more.

It’s bittersweet when Scott Nimerfro pops up on this show. He was such a unique talent, but his death at such a young age, doubly when he was writing some of the best speculative television stories going (shout out to my fellow Fannibals), just breaks my heart. He became one of the main returning writers for the latter run of the show, and there’s no doubt in my mind that the strong creative team and opportunities to play with different stories helped cement his interest and strength in his ability to play very well in a lot of different narrative landscapes.

Other notables: We have another tragic loss right at the forefront: superstar Bill Paxton stars (and I meant STARS) along with Oscar-nominated acting illuminary and horror icon Brad Dourif. Finally getting Chucky himself on the show that uses his freakin’ eyes every episode is a treat, to say the least, and pairing him with Paxton is an embarrassment of riches. Surrounding them are some great character actors to add (appropriate) comedic beats to the substantial gore, but as a 90’s kid, Raushan Hammond, aka Thud Butt from Hook, is the real supporting star here for me.

Does It Deliver?: Billy (Paxton) is fresh from San Quentin, and he’s burning to get his revenge on who put him there: and don’t talk during his cartoons! His simple brother, Virgil, lives in both fear and awe of Billy and is more than ready to be his right-hand man. This takes them to the ice cream truck of Mr. Byrd (Michael Lerner), who’s sunny and popular with the kids thanks in large part to his pretty kick ass hand puppet ventriloquist gimmick. Billy ain’t impressed, but his sloppy plan with Virgil centered around an incredibly cool ice cream warehouse murder set piece only ends in this brutal death of an innocent bystander (played by Lainie Kazan, who’s both running the business and flirting with Mr. Byrd, bless her.) They follow Byrd to his home to complete their revenge and get ahold of his savings, and they find out that their brotherly bond pales in comparison to others.

Seeing Bill Paxton and Brad Dourif play off each other as long-suffering brothers is putrid perfection, and their chemistry and shared ability to completely give every molecule of themselves to a role make this worth your time alone. Something about their delivery reminded me so much of Stephen King dialogue, and this is a solid go-to if you’re craving some early 90’s sunbleached-black-comedy-horror but you’re short on time. This is the perfect, creamy blend of fun, non-grating jokes, seriously bloody moments, complex practical effects, and a fantastic, only-in-Tales-from-the-Crypt weirdo body horror ending. We offer 31 flavors, and they’re all swirled into this one episode! A top 10 for sure.

Best Cryptkeeper line: “You know what they say, kiddies: Two deads are better than one!”


Season 5, Episode 6: “Two for the Show” based on Crime SuspenStories #17
Directed by: Kevin Hooks
Written by: Gilbert Adler and A.L. Katz
Originally aired: October 20, 1993

Director and writer pedigree: Kevin Hooks is an actor and director, and I’ve mentioned before that I’m always intrigued and usually impressed by that combination. There’s not much to say about horror-related projects with Mr. Hooks, but he’s incredibly successful and busy with television directing and producing, including an episode of one of my current favorite shows, The Orville.

That old golden team-up of Adler and Katz are back already! The intelligent, sexy readers of this column are familiar with them, and this one is very solid.

Other notables: David Paymer finally gets top billing, and all he had to do was kill Traci Lords! Lords has an awesome genre career (Serial Mom! Not of This Earth! Excision! Blade! The Tommyknockers most of all!), but I recently saw her in Skinnerthanks to the great Blu-ray release from Severin Films, and I highly recommend that off-the-wall slasher (that came out the same year as this episode!) to all Tales fans.

Does It Deliver?: Crisscross! We open on a dull dinner (that steak ain’t rare: it’s uncooked. I find this symbolic and very, very deep) between the young, hot Emma (Lords) and the self-absorbed, older, businessy Andy (David Paymer.) She’s done with this noise, and she tells him she has a new lover and starts packing to end things with him and start a new life where meals don’t include both potatoes and rice on the same plate. Well, Andy acts in a very classic misogynistic Tales from the Crypt way and kills her, storing her body in a trunk. Almost immediately, off-duty hot cop Officer Fine (Vincent Spano living up to that character name) responds to a neighbor hearing a scream. I have a corpse, you don’t have a warrant: Sure, look around! After some suspense with Emma now in a bathtub, Officer Fine As Hell leaves and Andy gets to chopping, storing the parts in a suitcase, and has the brilliant plan to check the luggage to a train trip he’s not going to take so it’s lost forever…ish.

Well, Officer Fine just happens to be there, and the jittery Andy now has to get on the train with him. What follows is a cat and mouse game of lies, secrets, luggage switching, a twist at the end that you’ll only partially see coming, and a hilarious closing shot.

I’m a bit torn on this one. On one hand, I love a good very-pseudo-Strangers on a Train plot and stories that just take place on trains in general. The performances were fun, and the pacing was pitch perfect. That said, there was something keeping this from being a favorite for me despite it ticking so many of my boxes. I think I just wanted more Traci Lords and a little more playful or devilish chemistry between Paymer and Spano. Our cop always has the upper hand, and we know it. If Andy was either a little smarter, smarmier, or more mercenary, that tension would have pushed this way up. Playing it as it lays, it’s still a good time and one of the best-looking episodes.

Best Cryptkeeper line: “I guess it’s true what they say: Better dead than wed!” RIMSHOT

The Cryptkeeper is a stand-up comedian in this segment, which makes no sense, but I guess they didn’t have a cute train conductor outfit at the ready. Anyway, having him get no audience reaction and rimshots to his puns is so perfect that I wish they would have actually done a traveling show with John Kassir and Kevin Yagher performing at nightclubs as they worked the ‘Keeper. It’s not too late!


Based in the incredibly down-to-earth city of Las Vegas, NV, Stephanie Crawford is a freelance writer and co-host on The Screamcast. You can follow her hijinks, writing and frequent podcast appearances on Twitter @scrawfish and at House of a Reasonable Amount of Horrors.

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