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B-Sides

B-Sides: In Dishonor of Edward and Bella's Nuptials - All Eternity Blues

With this being the weekend that the first half of the final installment in The Twilight Saga opens in theaters and the immortal love story of Edward and Bella culminates with marriage, rough sex, a half-breed baby, and infinity as vampire man and wife, it just seemed appropriate I pick a b-movie ditty titled “All Eternity Blues” about vampires wanting out of their centuries old marriage.

B-Sides: They're Vampire Hookers, and Blood Is Not All That They Suck

I don’t recall having ever even heard of the 1978 horror comedy Vampire Hookers until seeing it mentioned in the awesome Filipino B-movie documentary Machete Maidens Unleashed. Something tells me Vampire Hookers cannot possibly be as amusing as its campy theme song.

B-Sides: Tuesday Knightmare on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master was probably a career peak for actress Tuesday Knight. Well, the first act of that horror sequel was anyway. Her character may not have been long for this world, but at least she got a chance to sing the opening credits song before getting tossed in a furnace by Freddy.

B-Sides: Happy Halloween! It’s Partytime!

A certain holiday is almost upon us, and for horror fans everywhere that means it’s almost time to party. What better B-Side for this Halloween weekend than a certain 45 Grave track from Return of the Living Dead? Do you wanna party? It’s partytime!

B-Sides: A Thriller Rip-Off That'll Make You Want to Get Dead

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Sometimes imitation can lead to sincere embarrassment. I’ll let you decide if sitting through this song & dance number clearly inspired by Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video from the 1985 TV horror musical The Midnight Hour will make you want to get dead.

B-Sides: Move Your Dead Bones and Re-Animate Your Feet

Since I began doing the weekly B-Sides article a few months ago, there has been one song, one music video, one very special B-Side that keeps getting requested over and over. Understandably so, because once you’ve experienced this techno music video from 2003’s Beyond Re-Animator, you’ll dance for the rest of your life.

B-Sides: I Don’t Want to Be Buried in a Pet Sematary

As we enter the month of October and the countdown to Halloween begins, the next five weekends of B-Sides will be devoted to sufficiently ghoulish soundtrack songs/music videos perfectly in tune with the spirit of the season. What better to begin with than The Ramones performing the theme song to Stephen King’s Pet Sematary?

B-Sides: I'm So Happy for Bad Channels

I’ve always had two theories about Bad Channels: Either Charles Band hoped it would become Full Moon's very own Rocky Horror, or he did a ton of blow and believed a sci-fi comedy horror musical about an alien with a head like space cauliflower hijacking a radio station as an excuse to have some sexy gals dance to schlocky music was genius.

B-Sides: The Wrath of Shocker

Paul Stanley of Kiss and rock super producer Desmond Child on lead vocals! Def Leppard guitarist Vivian Campbell and journeyman axe grinder Guy Mann-Dude on guitars! Rudy Srazo of Whitesnake on bass! Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee on drums! A heavy metal supergroup assembled one time only for the sole purpose of... performing the theme song to a Wes Craven slasher flick? Damn straight!

B-Sides: Calling Transylvania 6-5000...

One should have known the 1985 monster comedy Transylvania 6-5000 was headed for trouble just by mere fact that its title was a pun based on a hit 1940 Glenn Miller tune that would have been obscure even to audiences 25 years ago, though not nearly as obscure as the film’s theme song is to this day.

B-Sides: My Hat Is Like A Shark's Fin

I knew with this weekend’s release of Shark Night 3D that there was no better time to present a B-Sides showcasing the greatest rap song about man-eating sharks ever recorded.

B-Sides: Beastmaster 2 Rocks Los Angeles

Like a mentally handicapped remake of Dolph Lundgren’s Masters of the Universe, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time sent a half-naked fantasy adventurer to modern-day Earth to defeat the forces of evil and bring back to his tribal people the greatest magical force in the universe: rock ‘n roll.

B-Sides: Welcome to Fright Night

By now you’ve probably seen the Kid Cudi music video for the Fright Night 3D remake - a future B-Sides in the making, no doubt. But how does it compare to the J. Geils Band’s theme song from the original Fright Night?

B-Sides: Back to School Edition

The new school year has already begun for some and will begin any day now for others. This weekend’s B-Sides is a double dose of movie academia that hopes to get your school spirit through song. One song gets no respect and the other might make you want to go peep on the girls’ shower.

B-Sides - There Can Be Only This One

You really thought I’d let this column get this far without featuring possibly the greatest b-movie theme song of all time? Sure, you’ve heard Queen’s Highlander theme “Princes of the Universe”, but how many of you have ever actually seen the MTV music video they did for the movie?