1313: Giant Killer Bees! (2011)
Foywonder
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reviews2/1313gkbs.jpg
Starring FUCK THIS MOVIE!
Directed by FUCK THIS MOVIE!
It is only because of my dedication to the nature gone amok genre that I even considered watching 1313: Giant Killer Bees! This being a David DeCoteau movie, I knew going in there was going to be more than a healthy dose of homoeroticism. That doesn’t bother me so much as the even healthier doses of insufferable boredom I’ve experienced from some of his more recent offerings. Still, giant killer bees, I knew I had to see it. If only giant killer bees had much of anything to do with the movie I saw.
Am I in the wrong for watching a movie titled Giant Killer Bees! and expecting to see giant killer bees for more than a minute total, if even that much?
Is it wrong of me to be pissed at a filmmaker who ends a movie titled Giant Killer Bees! with a montage of bee-less scenery while a character provides voiceover telling us as to how all these places have been overrun by swarms of killer bees?
Wouldn’t you feel ripped off if you watched a movie titled Giant Killer Bees! in which the real threat turns out to be half-naked pretty boy zombies that bite victims on the neck like vampires and even they hardly ever attack?
FUCK THIS MOVIE!
The plot is irrelevant because there’s barely any; something to do with scientists that all look like male models out to save the world’s bee population trying to rush their results by injecting a few bees with an extraterrestrial additive. Those few bees grow into computer animation so crude you’d think it was recycled from a decade old pest control TV ad. We only see two or three of these bees the entire film and only one at a time for seconds at a time. You’ll see more yellow bee vision POV than you will actual bees, giant or otherwise.
At about the 20-minute mark any pretenses of this being an actual motion picture go by the wayside. For the next half hour there will be about 120 seconds of plot and the rest of the time will be devoted to buff young men in their underwear either groping themselves, soaping themselves in the shower, or zombie walking in their BVDs. I knew what I was getting into, but still… The young caretaker strips down to his briefs, lies down on his bed, and slowly caresses his half-naked self. I’m not the audience for this, but I have to ask, is even the target audience for such a scene going to want to watch a man rubbing his torso in the least erotic manner possible for TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES?!?
FUCK THIS MOVIE!
Okay, look, I realize DeCoteau caters to gay men (and women, I suppose if the “A science fiction chiller for girls” tagline is to be believed) with these 1313 movies, but I have a hard time imagining either or not getting bored out their gourd sitting through such lengthy static scenes of dispassionate beefcakes giving themselves rubdowns shot with all the sensuality of an Icy Hot commercial. No sex. No nudity. No physical contact with anyone else or touching below their own waist. There’s a whole internet full of better material than this, straight or gay. You could show me Kelly Brook in a bikini for ten straight minutes on her back rubbing herself in this manner and I’d start fast forwarding in a hurry.
And let’s just be completely honest for a second. For men or women watching this because they’re looking for some spank material, does it really take this long staring at the exact same moving image to do your business?
The only thing noteworthy during any of this is that we’re expected to believe a victim bit while taking a shower somehow in his newly zombified state had enough wherewithal to towel off and put on some underwear.
A half hour later it goes back to trying to be a movie. Not really a killer bee movie, though, since even homemade computer animation such as this must have been asking too much of the non-existent production budget. Not really a zombie movie, either, because characters standing around spouting off scientific mumbo jumbo is much cheaper and faster to film than having to block action and move the camera around.
That’s when it happened. The last straw. The camel’s back. The moment the movie earned every last drop of spite I could ever possibly heave upon it and then some. The moment it earned a million “Fuck This Movie!”’s.
Our hero will begin walking from one location to another in search of something that by this point matters not. No dialogue. No suspense. No titillation. No advancing of the plot. No action of any kind other than a man just walking around. To listen to the score you would think this were the most suspenseful chase scene ever put to film. Nope. Just a dude casually strolling about several locations without even a hint of danger or urgency, and this also goes on for TEN FUCKING MINUTES!
FUCK THIS MOVIE!
FUCK THIS MOVIE!
FUCK THIS MOVIE!
Ten minutes of a character walking around not doing a damned thing. 1313: Giant Killer Bees! is not some pretentious experimental art film – it barely qualifies as a movie at all. Any self-respecting director should be embarrassed to have his or her name associated with such bullshit. This is the work of a scam artist, not a filmmaker.
One last time…
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